Going through my self-empowerment and healing journey, I found myself writing quite often. Sometimes I would write about things that happened along the way—moments of clarity, pain, or discovery as I learned more about myself.
Every now and then, memories and reminders pop up on my phone at just the right time, showing me how far I’ve come and grown. They remind me that even when the road was tough, there’s progress and you come out better for it. That’s why I felt called to share this—because I know there are other women out there going through their own journeys and hoping to make it out stronger on the other side. I succeeded and so can you.
One thing that regularly came up on my journey was the way people view women who’ve become single after marriage or break up. There’s this assumption that single women are out there searching, looking for someone to replace what they had. Sure, that might be true for some, but for most women, it’s not about that. It’s about recovery and finding themselves. At least that's what I did.
When a marriage or break up ends, it feels like your entire world is turned upside down. The life you thought you had, the person you thought you were—it’s all gone.
The idea of who you are is gone.
The vision of where you’re headed is gone.
The home and family you created feels like it’s slipping away.
The dream of forever is shattered.
It’s like living in a glass box that suddenly breaks into a million pieces. For myself there was a naivety about life and I was stuck in a place where I could not get out. While there was relief, conditioned patterns of behaviour and what you have known for so many years of your life create confusion and cause unsettlement. You have to start unpacking and learning a new way of life and a new normal to what you have become accustomed to living for so many years. You have to unmask the mask you were living.
My mind was filled with endless questions, some clear, some uncertain:
Who am I now?
What’s my purpose?
Where do I belong?
Will I make it through this?
What will happen to my children? How will this impact them?
Why did this happen?
Are people going to judge me?
Why are people judging me
And let’s be real—some of these questions might never have clear answers, but that's ok everything eventually makes sense.
This journey is messy, raw, and painful and scary. Confidence and self-esteem take a dive. Some days it feels like you’re drowning in emotions:
The pain and heartbreak.
The trauma and fear.
The shame and guilt.
The mourning for everything you lost.
Questioning your worth
The failure
The embarrassment
A lot of women blame themselves, replaying every little moment and wondering, What could I have done differently? The truth is, most women aren’t sitting around thinking about finding the next companion. We’re too busy trying to find ourselves.
Regardless of whether you had an amazing marriage that broke down or an unsafe marriage that kept you in a trauma bond or codependency due to financial dependence, whatever the journey may be, even though there is profound relief in leaving dreadful circumstances, there are still the same challenges you must navigate.
Most of us don’t put our pain on display. We deal with it quietly, in the background, where no one can see the sleepless nights or the moments when we break down in tears.
Some of us heal and come out stronger—more independent, happier, and confident. But for most, the scars remain. Rebuilding trust in ourselves and others takes time. Learning how to live and love again feels like a mountain to climb.
If you know someone going through this, here’s what you can do:
Be kind. Please, less judgment, and fewer opinions.
Respect privacy. Their story is theirs, not yours to tell.
Support without prying. Don’t ask about their ex—it’s not your business.
Respect boundaries. Being single is not an open invitation. When a woman is ready, she’ll let the right person know.
To every woman who’s walked this journey: you are brave. You are more than what happened to you. You don’t need anyone’s permission to heal, to be happy, or to live your life on your terms.
I know what it’s like to feel broken, to feel like your world has crumbled. But I also know what it feels like to stand back up, little by little, I rediscovered myself and found love again. I took back my power and now its time to take back yours.
So to the women in my life and yours, who have fought through heartbreak, raised their children, rebuilt their dreams, and found a way to smile again: you inspire me.
This isn’t just about surviving—it’s about thriving. You deserve all the love and happiness the world has to offer.
I know men experience these struggles too, and many of these feelings can apply to them. But this is my perspective as a woman who’s lived through it.
So please, have a heart. Show compassion. Respect the journey. And admire the strength it takes to start over and believe in life and love again.
Written by Tersia Woodenberg from Soulcheck
If you need support navigating you journey, lets connect. https://www.soulcheck.co.nz/
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