Divorce is a life-changing experience, and for men, it often comes with unique challenges and emotions that aren’t always acknowledged. I do not have lived experience from a man’s perspective, but as a counsellor dealing with men’s health, helping them navigate their past traumas, and through friends and family who have been on a difficult journey, I have seen that men struggle with navigating divorce and breakups too.
What we often forget is that men also go through trauma. They experience heartbreak, loss, guilt, and fear of being unable to fully care for their children. They often carry these burdens silently, feeling like they have no safe space to express their pain. Recognizing that men face similar emotional battles as women is important for creating a more supportive and understanding environment for everyone.
Society often expects men to be stoic and unemotional, even during something as significant as the end of a marriage or breakup. There’s a belief that men are immediately focused on finding the next relationship, but that’s not the reality for most.
Many men are left facing a complex mix of emotions:
Who am I now?
What happens to my family?
Where do I go from here?
How do I support my children and myself emotionally and financially?
Will my children be used against me
The fear of not being able to see their kids
Loss of their rights as a parent
The truth is, divorce can leave men feeling adrift, questioning their identity, their purpose, and their place in the world.
The emotional toll of divorce is often underestimated when it comes to men. While some may not openly express their feelings, they still experience:
Grief: Mourning the loss of the life and family they thought they would have.
Shame: Wondering if they failed as a partner or parent.
Fear: Of the unknown, of being alone, or of starting over.
Guilt: About what happened and how it may have affected their children.
These feelings are real, valid, and often deeply buried under the pressure to appear “strong.”
One of the hardest parts for many men is the loss of identity. For years, they may have defined themselves as a husband, a family man, or a provider. When that role changes or disappears entirely, it can feel like the ground has been pulled out from under them.
Questions like Who am I now? and What’s next for me? can be daunting, especially when the answers aren’t clear.
Many men deal with this transition in silence. It’s not uncommon to see them throw themselves into work or other distractions, avoiding the emotions they’re not sure how to process. But bottling up these feelings often leads to longer-term struggles, including anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, lack of direction and seclusion.
Healing after divorce isn’t just about moving on; it’s about rediscovering oneself. This can involve:
Rebuilding self-esteem after the blow of a relationship ending.
Learning to trust again—not just in others but in oneself.
Focusing on self-care, something many men may not prioritize during the turmoil.
Breakups are tough, and everyone processes it differently. Men often carry their struggles quietly, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting or working hard to heal.
So, to those supporting a man through this process:
Be kind.
Be patient.
Be understanding.
To the men who are in the middle of their journey: know that you are not alone. Healing takes time, but it’s possible to rebuild, rediscover, and find joy again.
As a counsellor, I’ve learned that it’s crucial to understand this from both perspectives. Divorce is not just a woman’s issue—it’s a human issue. Men feelings and their journey shouldn’t be minimized. There are many amazing, kind, brave, hardworking, loving. fantastic fathers and men out there and today I acknowledge you too.
Written by Tersia Woodenberg of Soulcheck
If you looking for support please reach out https://www.soulcheck.co.nz/
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